Charlie Sheen's Commencement Address

Why Charlie Sheen? Because Keith Richards mumbles.

Charlie Sheen-SGG-082866

Dear Parents,     

It's that time of year again! That's right, graduation. Across the country kids are celebrating academic milestones of all kinds as they move from high school to college, college to mom's basement, preschool to kindergarten, juvie to state, elementary to middle school. But it's not just about the kids. Oh no. What makes graduation ceremonies so special are the graduation speakers. That's why we, the members of the Lantry Country Day PTA, were so thrilled that this year's fifth-grade commencement speaker was none other than Charlie Sheen, America's favorite celebrity-trainwreck-of-the-moment! I'm sure you've all seen his recent outrageous TV interviews. This guy is the real deal--looped as a lasso. So in case you missed the actual ceremony, here's the transcript of his speech. 

-Paul Rasmussen (room parent, Ms. M's third grade)

I'm Charlie Sheen, and I'm Winning

Commencement Address, Lantry Country Day, 2011

by Charlie Sheen

Hey kids, I'm Charlie Sheen and it's a true honor to speak to you today as you make this important transition from 5th to 6th grade. The booze in the green room is great. Thanks to the PTA for that. 

I want to talk to you about winning. I'm Charlie Sheen, and I'm winning. You can be winning too. Just not as much as me, because, hey, you're only 11--and you're not Charlie Sheen. I am battle-tested bayonetts, bro. You can't process me with a normal brain.

But even if in your pathetic little lives you do something that's not totally lame, you have to know how to deal with success. As kids we're not taught how to deal with success; we're taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what? Look at me, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm. That's winning. 

Winning means blazing your own trail in life. Normal people follow paths, not winning. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren't special. People who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. My brain fires in a way that is…I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.

Trailblazers never look back. We can't rely on the past if we're going to be winning. The past is done, bro. Goodbye! I'm not Thomas Jefferson, he was a [bad word]. The run I'm on makes Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, look like droopy-eyed armless children. 

You can be anything you want. Look at me, I'm an F-18 bro, and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordinance to the ground. I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips, most of the time, and this includes naps. 

You can fly too. You can be an astronaut. You can go to Mars. I'm a friggin' rock star from Mars. At last we found evidence of life on Mars. But we need to know more about Mars. The Mars research has advanced my life in no capacity. How has it helped your life? Looks like Arizona, tastes like chicken. Billions of dollars. I think we should just blow it up and sniff it as it drifts past. You kids can make that happen. You are the future.

But a word of caution: winning requires a sharp mind. Kids, don't do drugs. Drugs no, winning yes. I've never shown up to work drunk, you know, a little bit sideways...but never, never loaded, never drunk. Nothing on the set, not...when I step between the lines it's on...I'm going to show those losers how it's done. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. 100 percent winning.

Believe in yourself, that's the only drug you need. I'm on a drug--it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. So you have to look deep within yourselves and find your own drug. Be your own drug. Get a little sideways, bro. But never anything less than 100 percent winning.  

In closing, let me leave you with these words: no matter what you do, you must leave a legacy. You want your life, the things you do to inspire others. The way I inspire you. The way my kids (the ones I know about) look up to me. Talk about an education. They're like, and then, like, this, and that's the guy, and that's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen